Cake and Sex
by Nix Winter
all rights reserved
No one is ever really alone. We walk around with ghosts of conversations pasts and the unmet needs of our fellow human beings. We think the planet is so god damn big, but it's not. It never has been. Even if you're the lone survivor of a plane crash, floating on your battered ass seat, out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and you just know you're never, ever going to see another human being again, all around you there is life. There are people looking for you. You're part of something You're a human being.
So this dark, ugly feeling, that's not really feeling alone, that's feeling like the world would be better off without you. You're just not right.
Simone chewed off one of his finger nails, looking at the place where the pretty red head had been sitting. He held the severed fingernail between his teeth as his stomach churned up. Levi ought to fire him, for trying to kiss a customer. Dumb, worthless, son of a bitch.
A little anger to push the hunger away
Simone broke out in a sweat.
"You okay," Levi asked, his voice like condemnation. They both knew that Levi knew that Simone wasn't okay at all. "Maybe you should take off early. Go to a meeting."
Lips tight, Simone grabbed a dirty glass from the bar and started washing. "Not now, Levi."
"Yeah, now." Levi grabbed Simone's wrist, harder, almost hard enough to bruise. "Go to Denny's. You be there when I get off."
Things didn't have to be said to explain that Levi had the power to enforce good judgement. Simone's brows drew down. His foot tapped the floor nervously, green yes glaring at Levi. "Yeah. Okay."
"Okay. I'll wash up." Stern melted away out of Levi's expression, giving way to joyous and bubbly. "He'll be back. Anyone you want to kiss that bad, that you get so worked up over.. he'll be back. There's no way he didn't feel something for you. Your instincts are really good, when you're not fucking stoned."
Without another word, Simone strode out of the bar that was more his home than any other place right now. Crossing the parking lot under florescent star light, the only kind that ever touched the City, he wanted to cut out whatever part of him that could feel the joy he'd felt looking into Adrian's eyes, the crazy excitement and hope he'd felt being near him, and the vicious self hatred that came with finding that Adrian had run away from him.
Maybe the guy could sense recovering addict or every other failure and poison that had ever touched Simone's life. Maybe it was for the best that Adrian stay far away from him, from the stupidity that was Simone. He only barely resisted the burning urge to beat his helmet against the beautiful new motorcycle he'd saved a year to get. Only Levi's command kept him grounded enough to know what he needed to do. Go to a meeting, remember what life was supposed to be about. He slammed his helmet on, threw his leg over the bike.
Speed calmed him down a little, soothed over the raging pain with a little sweet peace. He took the freeway even though he didn't need to. Too fast was almost as good as a needle. It never lasted long enough and there was always the dark absinthe edge that too fast that ended in rock solid could put an end to pain forever.
His head hurt when he got to Denny's. Self hatred and deeper fears, pain that lingered longer from ugly things he didn't want to face, that had tamped down enough that he was feeling like an idiot. So what if some pretty new guy didn't want his kisses or his time? Maybe feeling attracted to someone, feeling a possible connection was just part of really getting and staying sober. He hooked his helmet to the back seat then took a moment to massage his scalp, to rub his temples and just calm the fuck down like a normal, decent human being.
Movement drew his attention to the far side of the parking lot. It had to be after midnight. Hyper-vigilance spiked. He tensed. It was so much god damn work dealing with feelings, fears, crap that wasn't actually happening right now. High could just make all this go way, if only for a little while.
"Leave me alone, Will! I don't want to! Don't talk to me unless you're sober!" A woman from the group tugged against a shadow cast by a SUV. "Let me go!"
Simone smiled, suddenly feeling very focused and calm. He turned the ignition to off and was shoving his keys into his pocket. "Hey, Sarah. It's Sarah, isn't it?"
"Oh shit," she cursed. "Will, you're drawing attention!"
"Whatever," he growled stepping out of the SUV, "Leave us alone, man. I got some really good shit and she wants to do it with me. He's just being fucking coy."
In the time it took the man to say his peace, Simone had crossed to them and had his hand on Will's. "Let go of her before I break your hand, asshole."
"That's fucking assault. I'll call the cops on you. I know who you are." Will sneered, took on a baby talk voice, "You wanna go into the meeting and talk about what happened because you can't control yourself?"
Simone didn't even remember doubling up his fist and felt only elation as his fist knocked Will back against the truck. "Shut up," he snarled. "As far as I'm concerned, you're just a drug dealer, out here making people miserable."
"Oh yeah," Will hissed, wiping blood away from his swelling lip. "I remember you liking what I sell a lot. Don't you want a free hit? What's it been six months? What'd you do that fucked you up so badly, solider boy? Won't you like just one night without remember, without feeling like the worthless shit you are?"
Sarah caught his arm and he yipped, jumping away from her, green eyes large and frightened. Will's round house hit him before he saw it coming, laying him out on the ground. As if possessed he rolled back up, fist coming up under Will's jaw. A left round house followed and distantly he heard Sarah screaming his name. Still in the midst of his rage-gasm, he frisked Will, and pulled the man's 'tool case' from his pocket, a few vials of what Simone assumed was heroin from his pocket. "Nice, really nice, fucker. Don't come near a meeting with shit in your pocket." Simone stepped away, dangling the bag of prepared and ready heroin over the hard asphalt.
"Give me my product back!"
"Or what? You'll call the cops? Tell them I beat you up and stole your drugs?" He pulled one of the vials out and dropped a lot of money down to the hard, unforgiving ground. "You leave Sarah alone, or I'm going to give you some other things you can't tell the cops about. You're not connected, Will. You're a day trader with a dinky little weenie."
"You'd know. I remember you being pretty good at sucking it off to get what you wanted."
"Get out of here," Simone hissed dangerously. "Don't come back around here until you're ready to be sober."
"Fucking bastard," Will growled, but he got into his SUV, slammed the door then leaned out to glare at Sarah. "Don't you come back, you whore! You hear me?!"
Simone and Sarah watched him leave, both of them shaking. Her eyes were on the dope. He shoved it in his pocket. She looked at the still wet spill on the ground. "Go on," he said. "I'm going to get rid of this, then I'll be in."
She ground her teeth, eyes on the stuff in his hand. "Yeah. We can't take that in there. There's enough for two, for a couple of days... maybe three or four." She licked her lips.
"No." He was firm. He was going to destroy it, but not where she might try to get some of it. "Go on."
Already his eye was starting to swell. He stood there until she was in the Denny's and couldn't see him. He'd just throw it in the dumpster in the back. In the back of his mind.. he could hear things, screams, the thwack of flesh on flesh, and even though his memories wanted to supply him with sound to the memories, he pushed it away. It was like hearing, without hearing.
He got behind the Denny's in the dark and exhaustion hit him. It took so much energy to fight off all the darkness. He sank down by the dumpster, not even aware of the filth. The misery inside was just too loud.
Breathing heavy, fighting off a panic attack, he held Will's case up, hands shaking. If there wasn't a clean needle, he couldn't.. won't use, not even a little. His tongue flicked at the corner of his mouth. He couldn't take being a reject from every good thing... not all the time. People couldn't really expect him too, could they? There was a clean needle, sealed and a clean syringe. It would feel so good... just .. he hadn't gone looking for it, had he? He didn't want anyone else to use it. He snapped the case closed, fished his phone out of his pocket and speed dialed Levi. "Hey."
"Simone," Levi asked, formal, trying to sound like a responsible sponsor. "Where are you?"
"I want to do something bad."
"Fuck. Where are you?"
"Can't. No one's ever going to love me or want to be loved by me. I'm useless and broken."
"That's bullshit. I call bullshit! Simone, don't do anything bad. I'll be right there."
"I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up." He ended the call, throwing the phone away from him. He opened the case again, to stare at the implements of sweetness.
Levi got there a few minutes later, racing to the back of their favorite restaurant. The two bottles were smashed on the ground, but there was also a used needle.
"Fuck!" Levi leaned forward, looking into Simone's glazed eyes. "Oh you're feeling alright, aren't you?"
"Yeah. Sorry. I didn't take enough to solve the problem, but I took enough to make it alright for now."
"You're lucky I love you." Levi growled, jerking Simone to his feet. "You had a 192 days, Simone! You're going to be sick like fuck tomorrow. This was the dumbest shit you could have done!"
"I didn't mean to... it was just.. .and he didn't want anything to do with me. You're ruining my high."
"Good," Levi growled practically throwing Simone against the little car. "If you ever do this again, I will send him photos of you so fucked up and laying in your own piss. You're better than this. You saved my life, Simone, and I'll be god damned if we're not going to save yours."
"I can't be saved." Simone said, sinking down to the parking lot.
Levi jerked the door open and Simone up to his feet in a fit of anger. "I call bull shit again. If I ever meet the bastards that started you with this shit, I'm going to beat them to death, but you, you have to believe that you're worth while! You have to keep fighting for sobriety and a decent fucking life. Are you going to drag that cute red head into the god damn alley with you?"
Simone pressed the back of his hand to his mouth, surprising a sob.
"You'll start over tomorrow," Levi growled, giving Simone as shove into the back seat. "It's just a slip. Sobriety lost it's priority for a moment. It'll be back in the morning. A miracle is going to happen for you and you ain't going to quit until it does."
Simone curled up in the backseat of Levi's car and just... let the moment take him. He wanted real cake and sex, not cake and sex out of a needle.